I know I suck. The truth is I've had a mentally draining couple of weeks. Yes my antidepressants are working but only to a point. So far my 2019 has been a battle with panic attacks and stress. I'm working on it, but as this is a mental health blog I'm hoping you understand my reasoning or excuses and just bare with me. I'll get there, eventually but I know I will.

I was excited to write about my 2018 and all the highs and lows I went through. While it was  an eventful year, due to mental health and physical health, I didn't actually do that much. I got into a really healthy and supportive relationship at the beginning of the year, and I'm still in said relationship which honestly is probably one of the best things about my life at the minute. Things are great in that department, and I can honestly say I've never felt more secure.

In May I went on my first holiday with a partner which was both nerve wracking and super exciting at the same time. We'd only been together for four months and we were spending a week in a hotel room together so I was a little nervous we'd start getting in each other's way and start arguing, but it was actually probably one of the highlights of my year. He also experienced me having a panic attack for the first time before we got the train. Not one of my finest moments, but hey, shit happens.

A lot of my year's highs and lows have included my boyfriend which is a good thing. We've recently been through a massive dip in our own mental health and we've done nothing but support one another and it's just made us so much stronger. Get you a man who can smush Chinese Chicken into your nose on your first date but can also get you to instantly calm down when having a panic attack in the middle of the road. Things couldn't be better.

In October I also started a degree in Educational Studies, and started volunteering in a Primary School two days a week. So far it's been great, and I've really enjoyed it, even if I've let my mental health get in the way a few times. The important thing is that I recognise it, and let everyone involved know. Since telling my tutors and the teachers I work with, I've felt far less pressure which has been a massive help.

I did want to do a month-by-month with lots of pictures, and I did draft one like that but it was very long, and most of it was just me reminiscing about times where I had money and could afford to go out properly. It actually kind of made me a bit glum, so I thought I'd just sum up my year like this instead.

It was a great year, and while it took a turn at the end, I'm so grateful I've had supportive people with me through this entire dip in my anxiety.

This post isn't at all what I wanted it to be. But sometimes things don't happen the way you want them to but you make do and do the best you can. I'm hoping my 2019 will be much more eventful, and I'm hoping my 2019 in review will be much more interesting

Hopefully I'll actually post on time tomorrow, I'm not sure what the post will be about, but I have a few ideas floating in my brain, it's just about whether I can actually put them into words like I want to.

Until next time,
-M x

It's Sunday right now, so this is a random post but I wanted to talk about something and I thought seeing as I haven't done my Friday post either, here would be a good place to talk about it.

I saw a post on twitter that listed all other ways of self-harm. It talked about keeping toxic people in your life, and not looking after yourself etc. I definitely don't agree that this is self harm because it's not always done with the intention of making yourself feel bad. I do think it's self-destructive which in my opinion is a slightly looser term. I want to first talk about what I think the difference between being self-destructive and self-harm is.

Self-harm is hurting yourself in order to release stress or pressure. It could be done to make yourself realise that you can feel, or to manifest all of your emotional pain into physical pain... There are so many reasons why people might self-harm. And self-harming is self-destructive.

Self-destructive is a term used for when someone does something that isn't good for them. While yes, it's usually intentional I don't think it's always done consciously knowing that it's bad for you. It could be self-harming, but it could also be bad personal hygiene, or getting drunk more than usual. As the tweet said, it could also be things like not treating yourself, or keeping toxic people in your life. Regardless of the reason, if you know something isn't healthy for your body or mind but do it anyway, in my opinion, this is being self-destructive.

I'm a very self-destructive person. I have been since I was in high school. Yes, I self-harmed and it's been something that I've been on and off struggling with since. I've also kept friends in my life who didn't care about me as much as I cared about them, one of who blamed me for them attempting suicide (and yes we were still friends after that). I also make the blame up for myself if something goes wrong, while I'm much better now than I was when I was a teenager, if something goes wrong in someone's life, I'll still find a way to blame myself.

It can be thoughts floating around in your head making you question things. Making you question your relationships and your friendships, and make you worry about how other people feel about that relationship or friendship. Since I got into the relationship I'm currently in I've always had moments where I'll sit and think I'm not good enough, I remember one bus journey home early on I cried most of the way home because I knew I was falling in love, but had convinced myself it wasn't mutual because I wasn't good enough.

Currently, we're stronger than ever and there's absolutely nothing remotely wrong with our relationship. It's the exact kind of relationship I've always wanted and I'm very happy. However I'd be lying if I said I didn't get the scary thoughts from time to time. I don't know whether it's normal, or whether it's my insecurities shining through from having many past relationships with toxic people. Either way, I'm aware it's not healthy, and I'm aware that none of them are true. My brain sometimes is just a constant state of 'what if?' and it drives me insane.

I guess to make this blog post actually fit the purpose of my blog I need to put something semi-advising here so I'm going to try and subtly segue into saying something of actual worth.

While being self-destructive isn't healthy, sometimes it's completely unintentional and we're well aware of it. It's important to notice that certain things you may be doing or thinking are self-destructive because only then can you focus on helping yourself.

Sometimes you can mistake them for just being nice. You can be like me when I was a teenager and keep toxic people in your life because you don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them the truth. You don't want to stay in and have a bubble bath and a film fest with way too many snacks because you made plans when you felt mentally able to make them and you'd feel bad if you cancelled. You'd go out of your way to help someone, even if it meant it left you worse off because you just want to be nice. These are all things I used to do regularly. Over the years I've improved a lot and I've cancelled plans to look after myself, and I'm much better at saying no when I can't or don't want to do a thing.

At the end of the day, it's you who decides what you are and aren't capable of without it badly affecting yourself. It's important to realise when something you're doing or thinking about isn't healthy for your mind or your body and do something to reduce it. (I'd be a hypocrite if I said stop it, seeing as I'm still working in it and I don't think you can every be completely free of being self-destructive, that's my opinion anyway).

Posting will resume as usual on Wednesday, and hopefully I'll be motivated enough to do my year in review then.

Until then,
-M x