On a more positive note I had my braces taken off last week, so my mouth feels weird and still gritty but I'm getting used to it. One thing I don't see myself getting used to, however, is my retainer. Do not like. Anyway, on with the post.
For a while I've been feeling pretty great about the progress I've made since coming off my antidepressants. I've started to feel more like myself again, people have started to notice that I'm looking a bit more bubbly than I have in the past few months and overall I'm feeling pretty great. I'm still planning on going to therapy though because even if I do feel like I'm getting my life back together, I still have shit to deal with and I'd really like to know more about what's going on in my brain, because I still have days where my mood crashes, and I would like to know more about why that is (other than just 'because depression') as well as things I can do to control it and stop it making me think that my winning streak is over.
Everyone has down days. Everyone has something that they may not do well and then feel like a complete failure. I'm a perfectionist, which is probably one of the worst traits to have when you're already super predisposed to feeling shitty about yourself. I'm impatient with myself and my skills, and when I realise that something isn't where I want it to be when I want it to be, I crash and become a curled up teary ball of self-loathing with a temptation to give up even trying.
Yesterday was one of those days for me. I hadn't necessarily done something that didn't go well, but it was a lot of thinking. I follow a lot of mental health accounts on twitter who all communicate with each other, and all support each other and it's genuinely a nice community to be a part of. I'm not someone who finds it easy talking to people in real life, but it goes much further than that and I really struggle to try and talk to people online as well, even if they can't see my face or how awkward I get while trying to start a conversation. Yesterday I was scrolling through and seeing promotions of other twitter accounts. I saw people replying to sad tweets expressing their love and support and I wondered why I couldn't be a part of that because I feel too awkward and overthink my reply and end up not doing it. It spiralled into wondering what the point of me having a blog was because, let's be honest, I don't get much traffic. I started questioning my novel I'm trying to write, even though creative writing and storytelling is something I've done since I was a tiny little pre-school girl. I was toying with the idea of giving up all of my crafty and arty hobbies I've gotten into lately because I didn't see it going anywhere, so what was the point in doing it if I was no good? Should I drop out of university because I'm not good enough to do the next two years? Especially if my placement at school doesn't want me back.
There are a lot of things I enjoy doing, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at them. I enjoy it because it keeps my mind and my hands busy. It stops me being bored in the state of unemployment I'm in and stops my head spiralling too far down certain rabbit holes. I do these things because I enjoy being creative. I enjoy creating posts for others to read and hopefully take something from. I enjoy creating a story and a fictional world in my head and putting it down on paper to share with others. Just because I'm not necessarily good at them it doesn't mean I should give up.
I guess this could be said for many different things if the message you take from this is 'don't give up just because you don't feel like you're any good at it'. It can be said for therapy, remembering to take medication or even if there's a sport or another type of hobby you enjoy doing.
The only way to get better at something is to keep doing. When I first started taking medication daily I forgot a lot of times, and my reminder on my phone was my lifesaver when it came to contraception. After a while of forgetting or taking it a couple of hours late, it became a habit to take it every single morning. And, oh boy, you should read some of my stories I posted on Wattpad when I was twelve or thirteen compared to now. My drawing? I'm trying to do a bit every day and I'm seeing improvements. Things get better the more you do them, and that goes for everything in life.
I guess the message to take away in this post is that I know how difficult it can be to keep going with something you feel like you're no good at. There are always ways to make it better, but the important thing is perseverance. You keep going, you do things daily that you want to do or that you need to do because every time you do it it will get a little better. If it doesn't then just enjoy it anyway. Life is about enjoyment and finding things to make our time bright and joyful and happy, not about giving up because 'we're not good enough'. Have fun. That's it, that's the message. Have fun and be safe.
Until next time,
-M x
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