My self-esteem has never been great. When I was at high school I was in a large group of friends of girls and guys alike. A lot of us had coupled off with each other, and when that went south, there was someone else in the group. Quite a few of us went out with each other's exes and no one seemed to really mind. We were all friends and I suppose it just sort of happens when you spend that much time together.
The boyfriend I had in high school I wasn't attracted to. Yes we had things in common (that's why we were in the same friendship group) but we didn't really have any chemistry. Looking back on the situation I can easily come to that conclusion now, but at the time I had convinced myself there was something there.
Now a few years have passed and I have grown slightly more confident in myself as a person I can easily say that I was with him because he made me feel appreciated. When we broke up for the second time I pretty much stayed single for the rest of high school and a lot of sixth form. Once I'd finished sixth form I was introduced to two friends of a friend. The four of us got on really well and one night we ended up talking about what we like in potential partners. Up until this point me and guy 1 were really hitting it off, and we wanted to meet up and talk more with just the two of us. When this conversation happened guy 2 messaged my friend and told her he really liked me. That was it, my low self-esteem was immediately switching guys. Guy 2 started messaging me privately and we also hit it off, we talked a lot and were keen to meet.
It did get weird when guy 2 messaged my friend telling her how he was going to propose to me when we'd only been messaging each other on a group chat for maybe two weeks. Naturally I didn't see this as a red flag and continued talking to him just liking him because he made me feel good about myself.
When we eventually met up it was with all four of us. We went bowling and honestly me and guy 1 got on so much better. It was weird because he was the guy I originally wanted to meet up with, so if that proves anything it's to chase up your own feelings instead of abandoning them because something more instant has come along.
Long story short - me and guy 1 dated, after many creepy and manipulative messages from guy 2 saying how I lead him on. We didn't date for long, but we still got on afterwards and still spoke a lot.
Yes, I sacrificed something that could have been really great for a guy that showed me a bit of attention. I'm lucky that guy 1 retained his interest in me after this whole thing was over. Another thing I want to mention is just how many times I have, in the past, changed my opinions about something to make me seem more appealing to someone I liked. I lost the ability to be completely myself because I truly felt that no one would be attracted to my true self and that's really sad to admit.
If you thought it ended after that, think again. I met a guy on tinder who showed me a lot of attention, even after the obvious red flags such as making me pay for an entire meal despite the fact he worked 40 hours a week and had his own flat and flexing about how much money he had while I worked a measly 8 hour contract, and making me pay for my own taxi home straight after he took my virginity (not so consensually) by saying "Yeah, just wondering if you could go because I have to have my dinner and go to bed", and also him asking me consistently to buy him clothes worth about £80 a piece because 'I'd do it if he meant anything to me' which, I'm going to be honest, is bullshit and I should have took all of these signs and not seen him again. But obviously I did because he payed me attention and made me feel attractive and fun to be around.
I don't know if it comes from a fear of being alone that has, in the past, forced me to change who I am or my standards for relationships, or whether it was just because I enjoyed being made to feel important to someone. Since then I have learned that if I can't be my true self around someone then it's not worth it, and with that logic in mind I am currently in the most mature, healthy, supportive relationship I have ever been in and I am so beyond happy.
I think the moral of the story here is to not sacrifice who you are for the purpose of being in a relationship. You can't hide who you are forever, so you may as well be with someone who falls for you just being you.
I know this was a day late, tomorrow I should be uploading a new post as scheduled.
Until then,
-M x
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